Letters

I am just writing to say that, as a passenger on your recent maiden voyage, I was most impressed by the quality of service provided by your friendly staff (particularly by hostess Terri Sellen, who took advantage of me in the in-flight restrooms. Twice). Your flight crew (female *and* male) are all gorgeous (a particular nod to Ms Tehani Croft, who had me so entranced by her beauty that, before I knew it, I had purchased 12 subscriptions to your inflight magazine from her, despite the fact that I cannot even read); your captain (Mr R. Matthews) is extremely cuddly; and your inflight magazine made fascinating and insightful reading. My only complaint was that, after being hugged by your Promotions Director – a Mr Ian Nichols – I discovered my wallet to be missing. However, given that the wallet was full of snapshots of myself and Ms Sellen (sportingly taken by her husband) which I would otherwise have had to
explain to my wife, I must concede that the entire experience was satisfactory. I shall certainly be booking your services again for my next intergalactic voyage.

Kind Regards,

Chuck McKenzie

I must thank your crew for their recent care of me after the accident with the drink mixer in my cabin. I realise that my reactions to the loss of my fingernail may have seemed excessive to your staff, and I am sorry that my hysteria made it impossible for me to communicate the extent of the disaster. However the medical attention I recieved at Aldeberan has made it possible for me to contact you. If you could please have your staff assiduously search for my lost nail and the subsequent clone-child who will
be developing from it. All care must be taken when approaching said clone-child as they develop very quickly into a small slug-like creature capable of defending themselves. Our clone-children develop alone in the wilderness before being collected when they spin their cocoons, because of this they have several methods of protecting themselves including the ability to spit acid and excrete a very strong glue. It is imperative that the clone-child/cocoon be returned to me in time to be imprinted before the
mature clone emerges.

Thanking you in anticipation of your help and promising reparation to the families of any crew who may run afoul of my clone-child.

ASQIT